Have you noticed how if you are coming out with a new line of personal computers, it seems de rigeur to choose a name that ends in a – Prolinea from Compaq Computer Corp is followed by Ambra and Sprinta and Hurdla from Individual Computer Products Ltd, Apple Computer Inc is reportedly preparing Performa. This outpouring of baby talk was too much for Hesh Wiena, who has a few thoughts on the subject that he’d like to share, and he calls them:
The Scarlet Letta
I wa in a ba tha otha night, and tha batenda wa in a palava with a coupla hustlas from tha computa racket. Their names, we gatha, wa something like Aka and Carnavora, and they wa drunka than skunks. Wudda we gonna call the new computas? asked the one called Aka. I dunno, ansad the otha one, but the researchas the marketing department hired say its gotta be a monika that our lawyas can protect real easy. And it’s gotta be the same everywa – the same word in America, Canada, India, Africa, Russia, China and so on.You told me this yesterda, said Aka. Don’t you rememba? Oh yeah. Anywa, they got their computa, which of all things is a Macatosh, to print out a list. With that, Carnavora took out a piece of papa and put it on the ba, right in a puddle of wata, but he didn’t seem to care. Looka these monikas, he said, reading from the wet papa. Summa them gotta be betta than othas. Datamasta. Rolma. Essabiessa. PCjunya. Displaywrita. Selectra typewrita. Minoltacopia. Discavisha. Whaddya think? They all sound like winnas to me, replied Aka, so why don’t we just put the names in a hat and pick a coupla them. Good thinking, boss, said Carnavora. And with that he ran outta the bar, returning, somewhat winded, in a few minutes, bearing a hat. Lucky for us, puffed Carnavora, I wear so many hats these days I leave an extra in my ca. With that, he proceeded to cut the papa into pieces, which he put in the hat. You dra the names, big enchilada, Carnavora told Aka, holding out the toppa. Aka reached inta the fedora and put two pieces of papa on the ba. Then, looking at his watch, he said, I gotta go now, Carnavora. The lawya Chesla is waiting for me to okay anotha few suits against Comdisca the lessa. Put these names on the machines so we can hold a the press conference tomorra that will reassua the shareholdas. And that, as I told the batenda the vera next time I wenta that joint for dinna, must be why Carnavora calls his new computas the Seven-and-a-quarta and the Stetsa.
(C) 1992 Technology News of America Co Inc
