If Death takes a holiday, it won’t be this summer. A loser-friendly tome explaining the how and why of suicide has topped the New York Times list of best-selling do-it-yourself books. Simultaneously, Salomon Brothers, until mid-August one of the most respected investment bankers in the financial world, said it had lapsed, forgetting for a while the difference between government bonds and bail bonds. Meanwhile, IBM, with or despite the advice of counsel, aided and abetted rumours that this month it will announce a slew of mainframe products that it cannot deliver until the middle of next year (or thereafter)… while at the same time doing everything it can to make customers nervous about leasing the IBM computers that are in fact available. Even if you don’t make a point of reading all the books that climb best seller lists, Final Exit is definitely worth knowing about. The slim $16.95 volume is written by Derek Humphry, national executive director of the Hemlock Society. Hemlock, in Eugene, Oregon, is an organisation that believes you ought to be able to indulge in an act it calls self-deliverance without interference from the authorities. Self-deliverance isn’t the new alternative to Federal Express. It is a process by which – depending on one’s spiritual or philosophical orientation – you get to meet your maker, head for your next incarnation, take up push mode gardening or move to an urn.

Hemlock

If you want to get the book directly from Hemlock because your local bookstore is sold out, or wish to join the group, you can call (503) 342-5738. Annual membership in the National Hemlock Society costs $20 if you are alone or very alone, $25 for a couple. There is a $5 discount per person for senior citizens. Depending on your plans, you may want to get a life membership for $250 a person, or $300 per couple. Salomon Brothers is, or was, a more exclusive club. It had, for many years, made billions of dollars by buying US Government bonds at Treasury auctions, marking them up and selling them to investors the world over. But, it turned out, this wasn’t lucrative enough, so the imaginative firm began to help itself to bonds with more than two hands. Unfortunately, it is very hard to keep a secret these days. Attuned to the growing risk of exposure, Salomon was forced to confess its predilection for bond yeggs’ indiscipline. Presumably, the ululation of Salomon’s swine song occurred just ahead of a march by government gumshoes across the firm’s luxurious carpets, rugs so thick that lifeguards have to be stationed in reception areas to keep short visitors from disappearing. Raids on Wall Street establishments became televents during the late 1980s, Grand Guignol shows during which rich, powerful and allegedly felonious members of the financial establishment were handcuffed and marched through their offices in front of leering cameras. Worse, those arrested were forced to take their hands out of clients’ pockets to accommodate the bracelets loaned by the cops. This is not the sort of show in which Salomon wanted to star, as it is considered bad for business. So, on August 16, Salomon wisely changed its big names to pre-empt the incidents, concurrently asking the Big Board to suspend trading of its shares until the company could put new smoke and mirrors in place.

By Hesh Wiener

When the firm’s stock finally opened for trading at a quarter after three, its shares were buffeted about. But, by day’s end they rose a buck apiece. IBM, which has demonstrated no comparable talent for either bunco or confession, fell $1.875 the same day, vaporising $1.1 billion of investors’ paper wealth. In an effort to understand the role of thanatology in nature, we sought the help of internationally renowned consulting biologist Tom Travis. Mr Travis is a leading supplier of high-technology piscatorial apparatus through his Livingston firm, Montana’s Master Angler. He is also personal advisor to many great sportsfolk and an odd cowboy from Brooklyn. The details of our meditation at Eva Depuy’s Call of the Wild Ranch and Ashram must remain c

onfidential. But we can divulge this: aquatic insects and trout of the Yellowstone River basin evidence a more clear-minded love of life than do the Hemlock Society’s members, Salomon Brothers’ bond floggers or IBM’s managers. Even a caddis pupa is able to manage change, threats and survival all at once. Of course, the bugs don’t have to confer with attorneys before they act. If it doesn’t want the first corporate membership in the Hemlock Society, IBM is going to need a lot of customers who are willing to buy big mainframes. These customers must order the machines as soon as IBM says they can. Then, even if 1991 is a fiscal fiasco, shareholders will be able to justify their investments by the brighter prospects of 1992. By the time Wall Street figures out that it had pegged IBM stock too high in the past, the misdirection will have done its trick… unless IBM once again louses up its mainframe business. During the next few months, customers will try to make arrangements to dispose of their current machines. Their schedules must accommodate the installation of new equipment. Even for mainframe customers that are captains of agribusiness, money does not grow on trees. Consequently, IBM’s sales prospects will be doing their very best to amass the vast funds it will take to buy or lease the latest electronic behemoths. Some of the capital required to acquire new mainframes is sitting on computer room floors this very minute – in the form of other IBM mainframes. The more these machines are worth, the less additional money customers will need to get new computers.

Salvage value

IBM, one supposes, would be acutely aware of all this and act accordingly. It would make its new machines as attractive as possible while doing everything it can to improve the salvage value of older mainframes. On the surface, IBM appears to be creating demand for new-technology ES/9000 9021 machines and supporting the residual values of the newest of the prior-generation 3090s (the S and J models). IBM, through IBM Credit Corp, has gained increasing control over the installed base. IBM Credit has, through its contracts and its demonstrated willingness to enforce policy by litigation, blocked third-party subleasing of the systems it owns… while at the same time pushing hard to take over other lessors’ systems as lessees seek to finance processor enhancements. If IBM can gain enough leverage, it will have the power to greatly influence, if not control, the acquisition and upgrade strategies of all organisations that depend on mainframes. The only problem with IBM’s strategy is that customers recognise what will happen if by design or accident IBM can diminish competition from independent lessors and dealers: It will not be able to resist the temptation to charge more for machines while improving technology at a leisurely pace. Yet IBM persists in acting as if it can somehow get away with such a scheme. Or maybe the company actually thinks it is on the right track. Nothing could be more foolish! Big Blue’s largest accounts have been quietly and systematically testing Unix workstations and every other technology that promises to reduce their dependence on mainframes. These customers have not confronted IBM, of course; that would do no good and only irritate the powerful and potentially vindictive vendor. But even though each individual enterprise acts in secrecy, the result is already apparent in the financial reports of computer companies, particularly IBM. Debt be not proud.Copyright (c) 1991 Technology News of America Co Inc

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