We were young once. At least once. And that’s enough. But we do remember fondly the social conditions of yore, particularly when reminded by the publicists working on behalf of Windows95. In case you don’t remember, youngsters were not always well behaved, the way they are today. Once upon a time, children, particularly students at institutions of higher learning, did little besides taking large quantities of mind-altering drugs and listening to any music that their elders found incomprehensible, offensive or both. This made for a very happy teenage populace, but it did have some unfortunate side effects, increasing the incidence of parental hypertension and fostering the mistaken impression that some famous members of the Harvard University faculty were completely nuts. Those halcyon days are gone. Psychedelia long since gave way to Prozac, stopping war to saving whales, bra burning to no smoking. Derivatives are no longer the bane of calculus classes but instead the boon of class action attorneys. Windows95 promises to bring back peace, love and the expansion of minds. Plus, through the Internet, it will even help children access illustrations of biblical concepts, such as sodomy and the elusive gomorrahmy. The signal that Microsoft Corp was betting its future on ageing, sentimental customers came when it chose not to hire living performers, such as Hootie and the Blowfish, to play its theme song. The ads clearly target former flower children, now gone to seed, and others who were alive before Kennedy was dead.
By Hesh Wiener
To hit this market, Microsoft reached back into the mists of time and signed up a crew of dying klezmers, The Undescended Stones, or, more accurately, one of their ancient tracks, a rendition of Don’t Cry For Me, Cannavino. If you are too young, too old or too tasteful to recall the performers of this once famous tune, perhaps you would remember them as the same group that sang about a malfunctioning toilet in Jumpin’ Back Flush or industrial progress in Ivory Tuesday. Musicologists we have consulted believe that Microsoft erred in overlooking Stones hits more appropriate to the Windows95 experience, such as Gimme Help Lines or Let’s Spend The Night Installing. This retro mentality may work for Microsoft, or it might be just a colossal waste of money. But it is clearly the wrong approach for vendors of IBM-compatible mainframes. Unlike Amdahl Corp and Hitachi Ltd, Microsoft already won the trophy in its league. The score: Windows 95, OS 2. IBM’s competitors have ignored their obvious opportunities to improve the traditional mainframe by adding RISC server co-processors, integrated storage (disk/tape/optical) subsystems or asymmetrical (one big bipolar plus many cheap small CMOS) multiprocessors. IBM’s rivals could be feasting at a beggar’s banquet, but instead they are going to let it bleed. (C) 1995 Technology News Ltd
