Although this item reached us together with all the other usual electronic mail items that come in every day, we’re not entirely convinced of its authenticity. Nevertheless it looks like the real thing, and if it is less than entirely kosher, how the Dickens (seasonal expletive) did it get in there? CAMBRIDGE-(BUSINESS WIRE)-IBM and MaxHeadCASE Software GmbH announced Tuesday a joint effort dedicated to the development of parallel computing hardware and software for the design of an automated multi-personality chief executive officer for multi-billion dollar multinationals. MaxHeadCASE Software will be using a veritable clusterkluge of IBM RISC System/6000 workstations, a 32-way IBM POWER Dildonics System (PDS) and IBM high-performance, high-anxiety, performance-anxiety RISC-based systems, endeavoring to reduce significantly the costly and lengthy process of bankruptcy proceedings and increasing significantly time allotted for the back nine. MaxHeadCASE Software will exploit the parallel computing power of IBM’s clustered workstations, PDS and the shareholders of the Fortune 500 to effectively create and run their highly specialized proprietary personality-deficient simulation codes in lieu, or rather, in the loo, of the real thing, a Yalie coaster. The applications will produce extremely accurate information on the financial behavior of companies beyond human comprehension, including executive flowcharting and calendar management as well as prediction of always recurring non-recurring one-time write-offs for redundancies (didn’t we already say that?). The company was founded by John van Neuman and T.J. Watson II and Kenneth The Frankenstein Monster Olsen, one of the nation’s comeliest former chief executives. Similar to the use of computer simulation in the development of optimal designer drugs, MaxHeadCASE Software states that it will use the IBM technologies in a cooperative processing environment to significantly improve the balance sheets of pitiful companies like IBM. This methodology, known as giving up on humanity and good old common sense, is aimed at guiding and complementing the mentally challenged now in charge of America, and I daresay, the entire planet except the Northwest Territories. It improves research productivity by reducing the need to conduct wet-behind-the-ears fidiciary experiments; instead a large number of simulated computational managers are created. By using high-performance, parallel RISC technology to create virtual CEOs, managers are expected to save time and money making up what they think their managers want to hear. CONTACT: IBM Corp., White Plains, N.Y. Ivana Job, 914/642-5467 MaxHeadCASE, Schwarzwaldklinik. Dr Scheisskopf, 49/367-123
